iDon't Want You To Go
by Karbon
Summary: It's the summer after Sam's sophomore year in college and Freddie drops a bomb on her. Will she be able to cope with the new changes in her life? One-shot. Seddie. References my other stories.


iDon't Want You To Go

It was an unseasonably cool day. In August, temperatures are usually not in the 40's but for some reason this year was different. The night had passed and it was morning. The sunlight flickered through my bedroom window as the trees swayed back and forth in the wind. I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I wondered how many dots there were and whether or not it was possible to count them all.

"Freddie would know the answer." I said aloud. My eyes were puffy, my stomach muscles ached and my throat was sore. For a split second I had forgotten why I was in pain in the first place. But, when I rolled over to retrieve my glasses from the night stand I remembered. His smell was still there and the indention he made in the mattress was still there. I began to sob uncontrollably and I resigned myself to stay in bed that day. There was a hole in my heart and it was permanent. I knew I would never get over him. I just had to figure out a way to move on. But I would worry about that tomorrow. Today he was gone and he wasn't coming back.

* * *

><p>The day began with a peculiar tone. By the time I woke up that morning, Freddie was already dressed and heading out. I could hear him moving in the kitchen of the apartment we shared. It was the beginning of August and the second summer session was drawing to a close. I was happy because it meant Freddie and I could spend some quality time with one another before our junior year at Washington University started. He must have heard me stirring because he stuck his head in the bedroom.<p>

"Hey pretty girl." He said with a smile.

"Good morning babe." I said yawning. "Its seven o'clock. Why are you up so early? We don't have class until eleven."

"Oh, I need to get some work done on my project and Dr. Petersen gave me permission to use the lab."

"That's cool." I said continuing to yawn.

"Alright, I'm headed out. I have to get there by seven-thirty or I may lose my spot. See ya in class."

He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead, grabbed his backpack and left all in one motion. Everybody knew Freddie was smart, but few knew how truly brilliant he was. Within his first two years in college, he was close to developing both hardware and software that would dramatically improve voice command functions on computers and other devices. He was always busy with his research and I had a part-time job at the on campus Groovy Smoothie, so I convinced him to enroll in a graphic arts course over the summer. Graphic arts was my major, so class time was usually the only time we got to spend together. I rolled over and went back to sleep for a few hours awaiting class.

* * *

><p>The clock read 10:56 and I was in a dead sprint as I ran to class. I slept a little too long as usual. I crossed the courtyard and headed for the stairs. I was so focused on getting to class on time that I almost didn't notice Freddie sitting on the stairs awaiting my arrival.<p>

"Your late, Puckett." He said with a wry smile.

"Hey, we gotta get in there. If I'm late again, Professor Ryan said that he would dock me a letter grade."

"It's ok. I told him you would be a little late. He said it was cool."

"Um… Ok… Ah…" I stammered while trying to understand.

"I just needed to talk to you for a few moments alone."

"Alright. What's going on Freddie? Is everything ok?" I said.

"Yes, everything is great. I just wanted to say that you need to call in sick to the Groovy Smoothie this evening because we are going to celebrate."

"Ok, celebrate what?"

"I can't tell you yet, but I have to skip this class today."

"I guess that's cool." I said with disappointment.

"Ok. Love you Sam"

"I love you too."

Freddie turned and walked away. I took my back pack off and sat on the stairs. I looked up at the clouds and wondered what all this was about. It concerned me, because Freddie was never secretive. I took out my phone and called T-Bo. In the years since high school he opened up two more locations. I could've lied and told him I was feeling sick, but I opted to be honest. T-Bo was a cool boss and he understood. I gathered myself and went into class.

* * *

><p>I stayed on campus until about four-thirty working on my portfolio. Freddie's earlier secrecy was still weighing on my mind. As I walked to my car, I had an unshakable feeling that something was wrong. I drove home and as I pulled into the parking spot I saw that Freddie's car was already in front of our unit. At that moment I began to feel nervous. Each step towards the door seemed like an eternity. I stuck my key in the door and turned the knob. As I opened the door I was surprised to see Freddie lighting candles on the table. He was wearing a suit and he had soft music playing. I cracked a smile.<p>

"What's all this about?" I said temporarily relieved.

"Well before I answer any questions I want you to go change into one of your dresses."

I didn't protest and I went and changed. When I returned he had finished setting the table.

"Right this way Miss Puckett."

He pulled out my chair for me and I sat waiting for what came next. He sat opposite of me and we began to talk.

"Ok Freddie, what's this about?"

"You know how I've been working on improving voice recognition."

"Yeah."

"Well today I was issued two patents. One for the hardware, the other for software."

"That's great Freddie! Oh my God!"

"That's not it. Pear Company wants me to license my patents to them for use in future products!"

I always knew he would be successful, but sitting across from him now that he was certainly going to be a rich man, made things surreal.

"That's incredible; you're only twenty years old."

"I know, but still there's more. They're offering me a job within the company to continue developing cutting edge technology and they're even going to pay for my schooling."

"This just keeps getting better." I said completely enthralled. "So I take it you'll be working in the Seattle offices?

"No, I can't start working there until I finish school."

"Ok, that's cool. Because you said they're going to pay for your last two years at Washington U."

"Yes and no."

"What is that supposed to mean Freddie?"

"Yes they are paying for my last two years in school, but not at Washington."

"Uh… Where then?"

Freddie could see that my excitement was giving way to despair. He took a deep breath.

"Massachusetts Institute of Technology."

"MIT? Freddie, what the fu-"

"There's still some good news." He said cutting me off.

"Well, let's hear it Fredward."

"Part of the licensing agreement I made was that they placed you in a college near me. They placed you in Boston College." He said with great pride.

"Without my consent Freddie? Who says I want to go to Boston College and when is this supposed to happen? I can't go. My sister needs me."

Melanie was taking a hiatus from school to deal with her drug problem and I felt she needed me to be there for her in her darkest hour.

"I just want you to follow me out there so we can be near each other and I leave in a week and a half."

"A week and a half! Why would you spring this on me?" I said angrily. "Let me tell you something Benson. I'm not your fucking puppy. You can't just put me on a leash and expect me to follow. I have my own life too."

"What the hell is your problem Sam? I thought you would be happy for me. I thought you wanted this for me."

"I do Freddie. I really do. But, I don't appreciate you making life decisions for me."

I looked down at my plate and every part of me wanted to pick it up and throw it against the wall. Instead I pushed away from the table, grabbed my backpack, stuffed a change of clothes in it and left him sitting at the table.

"So that's it? You're just going to walk out on me Sam? I can't and won't do long distance. We will be over three-thousand miles apart."

"Then you have to do what you have to do. If me staying means you don't want this relationship anymore, then so be it!"

"Fine, then I'm not going. I will stay here in Seattle with you."

His words stopped me in my tracks and a strange feeling came over me. For the first time in my life I understood how deeply I loved him, because even though I wanted him to stay, that wasn't the best course of action for him.

"No." I said followed by a hard swallow. "Freddie, it's over."

"Sam, wait. You don't mean that. Sit down. We can talk about this... Please?"

"Yes I do Freddie. I can't hold you back. If we aren't together then you have no reason to stay. Goodbye." I said with tears flowing down my face.

As I left, I could hear him calling my name. I got in my car and drove to my mom's house to stay for a few days. I skipped the final three days of class and turned in my assignments through email. I ignored all of Freddie's calls and text for over a week. I was furious at him for presuming that he could just make decisions for me and devastated that I had to make an even tougher decision for myself.

* * *

><p>I was working at the Groovy Smoothie the night before he was going to MIT for orientation and all of my co-workers could tell that I had been distracted. Freddie never left my thoughts and as a result I messed a lot of orders. I was leaning against one of the juicing machines in a daze when T-Bo called out to me.<p>

"Sam, go home and see Freddie. You're off the rest of the night. No negotiations."

"What? I'm scheduled until eleven."

"Let me rephrase it for you. Either go home or you're fired."

"Why would you do that?

"Freddie is leaving; he told me that you broke up with him and you've been avoiding his calls… Look, if you don't go see him before he leaves you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

I thought for a moment, then I took off my apron and left. I didn't know what I was driving into. Night had fallen and I was already beginning to feel regret. He was leaving tomorrow and I had wasted over a week of time because of my pride. I approached my apartment for the first time in several days. I opened the door and saw his suitcases neatly stacked in the corner. He was still packing and he turned around to look at me.

"Sam… I…"

I approached him without speaking a word and kissed him. He started kissing me back. I wrapped my legs around him and he picked me up and carried me in the bedroom. That night we made love for hours like we were the only people on earth; like it was the last time. As the night wore on we laid there in the nude wrapped in a tight embrace. I looked in his eyes and I could see that he wanted to talk, but he was waiting on me.

"I just wish I knew what to do, Freddie."

"Come with me." He said as if it was the easiest solution in the world.

"I can't." I murmured.

With those words we laid there in silence for the remainder of the night.

* * *

><p>Day broke and the only words spoken were about his mother bringing his car to him on a later date. I helped him finish packing. We loaded up the car and I began what I felt like was the final journey of 'Sam and Freddie'. It was a sunny day and there were millions of words that needed to be said but none were spoken. The radio was softly playing "Let Down" by Dead by Sunrise. Ironically I felt let down by Freddie and his decision and I knew that if the pain continued, my heart would be dead by sunrise. Freddie was waiting for me to say I was going with him or give him a reason to stay. However, I could do neither. Pride and fear wouldn't let me go and because I loved him I couldn't ask him to stay. The closer we got to the airport the emptier I began to feel. I could literally feel our love slipping away and with each revolution of the tires the realization that there was nothing I could do sunk in. In those silent moments, I was reminded why I was so angry as a girl. When you love someone and they leave you, it causes a pain like no other. As a kid I would have done something violent to help temper the pain but this was a different day and time. We arrived at the airport and once again he looked at me expecting me to say something. I could see in his eyes that my silent indifference hurt him. He wanted me to yell and curse. He wanted me to say something to let him know I cared. But, he should've known I cared and that this was killing me. To be honest, I wanted the same thing from him. I wanted to know that if this was the last time we were going to see each other that he truly loved me and knew how much this situation hurt me. He unloaded his bags and we stared at each other. He grabbed my face and kissed me. He turned and walked away without a single word and I knew deep in my heart that this was the last time I was going to see him. It gave me a sinking feeling and I instantly felt ill. I got in the car and drove away from the airport. I pulled over on the side of the road and waited for his plane to depart. At approximately the time his flight was scheduled, I saw a plane take off due east. I knew it was his plane and I watched as he flew all the way to the horizon line and out of my life. I started to cry as drove back home. I arrived home to a half empty apartment with a completely empty heart. I walked into the bedroom and I saw a handwritten note on the nightstand that I didn't notice earlier. I sat down on the bed and begin to read.<p>

_Samantha,_

_I'm writing this because I don't know if I can speak the words to convey what I feel. As you know, I'm going to MIT this fall to pursue my dreams. But in that lies a problem. You are a part of my dream. I want you more than anything, but I couldn't pass up this opportunity because MIT doesn't come along every day. Even though I'm gone my feelings for you remain intact. I love you. I know why you stayed and I don't blame you. I wish you only the best and I'm sorry the cards we were dealt didn't work out. I'll always think about you in all that I do. Don't let this stop you from living your life to the fullest. You are always quick to point out your own imperfections. But you have to know that I don't love you because I look past your quirks; I love you because of them. I love the way you snore. I love the way you hog the blankets at night. I love that you're proud. But, most of all I love that you allowed me to share your world with you. I won't say goodbye to you, because in my heart I know this isn't over. So until we meet again, my love… _

_Love Always,_

_Freddie_

Before long, I realized the letter was soaking wet with tears. I wished I believed that this wasn't the end, but I never shared Freddie's optimism. I crumpled it up and threw it across the room.

"FUCK YOU, FREDDIE!" I yelled as I was overcome with complete sorrow. I curled into a ball and then wailed in emotional pain for hours, eventually crying myself to sleep.

* * *

><p>I wasn't hungry and I didn't feel like talking to anybody. I forced myself out of bed and into the shower. After I showered, I put on some music and lay in the bed again. I hated feeling this way. I started blaming myself for ever falling in love Freddie. I thought that if I could somehow convince myself that the last four years were a foolish mistake I could fast track the healing process. As the day progressed I knew that falling in love was the best thing I had done to date and trying to diminish it would only cause me more pain. Only two things could fix my fractured heart: Freddie or time and one of them was in Massachusetts. It was still cool outside, which was fitting. It felt like December, only without Christmas; without joy. Only the cold bite of heartache and lost love floating on a brisk wind. "Each day will be better", I told myself. But I knew that I would never fully get over him.<p> 


End file.
